CarolJoynt.com

Early Reviews for "Innocent Spouse"

KIRKUS REVIEWS

INNOCENT SPOUSE
A Memoir
Author: Joynt, Carol Ross

Review Date: April 1, 2011
Publisher:Crown
Pages: 288
Publication Date: May 10, 2011
Category: Nonfiction
Classification: Biography

Following her loving husband’s unexpected death, TV producer Joynt came face-to-face with her mate’s secret life. The fallout decimated her once comfortable life, flinging her into a decade of financial and emotional misery.

The author fell deeply in love with Howard Joynt in 1977. As the night assignment editor for the NBC News Washington, D.C., Bureau, she had a successful career, and Howard was a rich, charming, sophisticated restaurateur. They soon married, Joynt abandoned her career and the couple retreated to a large estate in the Virginia countryside. Unknown to the author, her husband possessed a dark side that soon emerged. Chronic depression fueled his rages, followed by physical abuse. After much grief, they entered counseling, salvaging their marriage. Ten years into their marriage, they moved back to Washington, restarting their professional lives. Joynt became a producer for Nightwatch; her husband shouldered the day-to-day management of his legendary restaurant, Nathans. For the next decade, their lives were grand. But in 1997, a month after a sailing vacation to the Caribbean, Joynt’s husband died, and the author’s comfortable life disintegrated. Due to her husband’s fraudulent financial dealings, Joynt discovered she now owed the IRS $3 million in back taxes. “The reality he left us was not enchanting and not safe, but dangerous and frightening,” she writes. The author recounts the misery of the next ten years dealing with the messy details of her long battle with the IRS; her valiant attempts to turn Nathans into a moneymaking enterprise; her constant struggle to retain her demanding job as a producer with Larry King Live; and the joy of raising her son.

Excellent recounting of the author’s lost decade, during which she rebuilt her life, became self-sufficient and found peace following her husband’s deceit.

THE AMERICAN LIBRARY ASSOCIATION'S "BOOKLIST"

INNOCENT SPOUSE
JOYNT, CAROL ROSS (AUTHOR)
MAY 2011, 288 P, hardcover $25.00

It sounds like fodder for a TV movie: after her husband's death, Joynt discovers that the successful restaurant owner with whom she had shared her life was under federal investigation for tax fraud--and that, as the surviving spouse, she is now on the hook for $3 million, not to mention possible prosecution. But this is no TV movie. It actually happened; Joynt, a television-news producer, had her life turned upside down in the space of a few weeks and spent the next decade and more trying to right heerself. Her account of that experience is engagingly written and, it seems, very honest. there are moments of high drama, of raw emotion, of nearly crippling grief and confusion (although, it should be noted, Joynt never asks for pity, never presents herself as helpless or hopeless). Slowly and with numerous setbacks, Joynt put her professional and personal lives back together, finding happiness where she least expects it. Very readable and frequently inspiring. --David Pitt 

PUBLISHER'S WEEKLY

Innocent Spouse: A Memoir

Carol Ross Joynt . Crown, $25 (288p) ISBN 978-0-307-59209-5

When a spouse dies, the one left behind usually is left to face the unknown, and in Joynt’s case "the unknown" included over three million dollars owed to the IRS, mortgages on properties she had thought they owned outright, and a Washington, D.C., restaurant, Nathan’s, that was a landmark to locals but a sinking money pit to the new widow. After her husband, Howard, died in 1997, Joynt struggled to keep her head above water, caring for their five-year-old son, continuing her career in journalism (she hosts the Q&A Cafe luncheon in D.C.), and taking on her new role as owner of Nathan’s while maintaining her "innocent spouse" status in her legal battle against the IRS. While Joynt’s case may be extreme and will most appeal to fans of Nathan’s restaurant, it is an honest telling of a woman betrayed by her husband whom she had loved and her determination to protect herself and her son. (May)

ELIZABETH TAYLOR, at the White House, at Atoka and at CNN

BACK IN THE DAY: MARTHA, BETTY, HALSTON, LIZ, LIZA

My New York Social Diary column today is a trip down memory lane; the occasions when I met Elizabeth Taylor, or observed her, and, possibly more important, the juicy bits of gossip that drifted around Washington during her brief time as a resident. Read it here. 

The Tidal Basin, Sunday, March 27, 8 A.M.

In Vogue

I LOVE THIS COVER, AND LOVE BEING ON THE PAGES INSIDE OF APRIL'S VOGUE

People ask me what it is like to be in Vogue magazine. I keep a lot of it to myself because it's still tough to talk about, the experience has been that humbling. I don't take any of it for granted. I will say this, though: the day I learned that Anna Wintour had read the manuscript of "Innocent Spouse" and liked it, was big on it, and had decided to buy the exclusive first rights for Vogue, I had to walk away from the phone/computer/desk, shut a door behind me and scream. It was that or faint on the floor.

If you don't know why I would react that way, please read the profile of her in The Wall Street Journal magazine: Brand Anna

The experience of being photographed by Vogue, of having a team (sittings editor, photographer, make-up artist, hair stylist, assistants) come down from NY to dress me and make me look good, was nothing short of Cinderella-like, which proves that one is never too old to be Cinderella. 

About the photo below: Kevin Sturman had clicked off many frames of Spencer and me looking into the camera, posing conventionally, trying to be ourselves. I broke from the pose, grabbed my dear boy's shoulders, and said,  "Can you believe we're being photographed for Vogue?" Click. That's great shooting. Thank you, Kevin. I don't recall, but Spencer probably said, "whatever, Mom." 

 PHOTOGRAPH BY KEVIN STURMAN

Everyone I dealt with at Vogue was at the top of their game and it was a pleasure. 

The article is on the Vogue website: Debt Becomes Her

You'll get the connection of being in an issue with Rihanna on the cover only once you've read the book. I love the cover. 

NYSD: Aubrey Sarvis & SLDN, Celebrating Repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

 REP. STENY HOYER WITH AUBREY SARVIS AT THE SLDN DINNER

My New York Social Diary column today focuses on Saturday night's annual dinner of the Service Member's Legal Defense Network, the non-profit that helped engineer repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Its executive director is my former neighbor and good friend, Aubrey Sarvis. The dinner was held at the National Building Museum, where the mood was one of celebration. Read it here.

caroljoynt.com: Welcome to My Website

If you are a first time visitor to caroljoynt.com, welcome. It has a few different components. Chiefly it is home to a daily diary I write, "Swimming in Quicksand," which is about my life, my community, events in the news, popular culture, food, travel and the occasional rant. SIQ began several years ago on my first website, nathansgeorgetown.com,set up for the restaurant I inherited, Nathans of Georgetown. The site was launched to promote my interview program, The Q&A Cafe, but during the summer months when it was on hiatus I needed to find a way to keep visitors visiting. I started a daily diary. My inspiration was Ana Marie Cox, who at the time wrote for the website Wonkette. She'd been a guest on my show and I was impressed with her candor--both in person and online. I thought, to quote my late mother, Well, why not?

At first the diary was titled "Diary of a Mad Saloon Owner," but I never liked that name. It was unoriginal, and I wasn't mad, only the saloon business was mad. It was the world around me that was sapping my resources, making me vulnerable, scared, feeling as though at any moment I would sink beneath the surface. Voila! Swimming in Quicksand was born. 

In its early years, the late oughts, SIQ was where I went to vent a day of feeling challenged by so much I did not always understand. I wrote about trying to stay afloat, especially financially. Every day I had less and I had to find ways to cope. Writing the diary helped enormously, at least emotionally. There was a thousand ton weight on me, Nathans, but when that got cut free in 2009, the relief was tangible. I had much less money, much less, BUT, significantly, I had freedom. The glitch game in that I bought my freedom at the same time the economy was in meltdown. I made myself unemployed when there were no jobs. That's why I kept the diary and new website (caroljoynt.com) up and running. It was as relevant as ever.

I strive to be no B.S.-- honest, candid, funny when possible, compassionate, community-minded, but don't claim to be the official point of view. For example, for grounded online news about Georgetown, I always aim people to The Georgetown Metropolitan. Also, there's The Georgetown Dish. The Georgetowner, a print newspaper, is the dean of Georgetown media. 

Caroljoynt.com is also where I post news about The Q&A Cafe. In its first seven years, at Nathans, the show was weekly. Since 2009 it has been monthly, at The Georgetown Ritz Carlton Hotel. It airs on DC Cable, TV 16. The show's ten year anniversary will happen in October 2011. I'm quite proud it has lasted this long. In the last decade I've interviewed some 300 notable people. I hold that up there with my Emmy Award as a proud achievement. 

Also here you will find news about my book, "Innocent Spouse," a memoir that is to be published May 10 by Crown. We welcome advance orders on Amazon or any other book website. Writing the book has been my "job" for the last year and a half. It was a writing project and an emotional purge and an altogether excellent experience. I owe a lot of gratitude to my agent, Laney Katz Becker, who found me, and to my editor, Suzanne O'Neill, who fell in love with the book and whose passion for it stayed strong all the way through. Working with the full team at Crown has been a rewarding experience, reminding me of the best collaborations I enjoyed during more than 30 years in mainstream print and network news. 

I also use caroljoynt.com to link to a weekly column I write about Washington for the website New York Social Diary. It is not a "society" column, but rather my take on the city where I have lived since 1977. Its about all aspects of the capital, including the occasional encounter with so-called society, but I'm not really sure what that is in a company town. Society, in the wealthy, frivolous, fashionable and trendy sense, is as ill a fit here as reality TV. What Washington has is more a "nouvelle" society, people with some new money and who want to spread it around or show it off. Since generosity matters, that's not a bad thing. The "going out" society in Washington is about fundraisers and rich entrepreneurial suburbanites and more fundraisers. They are commendable for their support of the arts, culture, preservation. In particular they are drawn to institutions that will put their names on walls and at the tops of invitations. I don't fault them for that. If it is a productive incentive, hat's off.

At the other extreme are the "cave dwellers," who by choice are off the grid. Their interest in public mention is entirely old school -- "birth," "marriage" and "death." They are an aging population of Washington families, some connected to government but most not, some with inherited money, some with less money, and they rarely go out. The best place to find them is the January Washington Winter Show, the Tudor Place Garden party and the Chevy Chase and Sulgrave clubs. But really, they don't want you to find them.

There's a young partying group in Washington, also quite active in fundraising. I find them interesting, diverse and ambitious. It includes many pretty women and I wonder why they stay in DC, where the men are mostly interested in other men, and I don't mean that necessarily in gay way. 

If there's any authentic high society in Washington it is among the old-guard African American community, as closed and tight as any true social bastion anywhere in the U.S. They dress up, they go out, they are mannered, they know each other well and there is a fierce hierarchy. If I were able to get inside that group and write about them then I could call myself a Washington society writer. But I can't so I'm not.

What I do for New York Social Diary is go to all kinds of places and events, observe the rituals, see things, eat an occasional meal, take photos, and report back, trying to put the experience in context for the most powerful city in the world. My editors, David Patrick Columbia and Jeff Hirsch, are great. When a DC power player is full of hot air, they let me say so.  If I could make a living writing my weekly column, I would do it from here to the horizon. But, alas, after the book does its turn, I will need to find gainful employment.

caroljoynt.com is a great front for the fact I am private, shy, not social, not fashionable, a loner, tight with a few close friends and interested primarily in my family and my home. Everything else is what I do to not sink in the quicksand. I hope you'll visit often. And, should you want to, please write. I welcome feedback. 

NYSD: L'Atelier de Joel Robuchon and Benoit, and 3 Haute Hotels

 HEAVENLY SPAGHETTI AT L'ATELIER DE JOEL ROBUCHON

On New York Social Diary today I report for the "Dining" column on meals at L'Atelier de Joel Robuchon and Benoit. Worth a read and a visit, here.

THE LIVING ROOM OF OUR SUITE AT THE SHERRY-NETHERLAND

Also, an additional report on New York luxury hotel "staycations" featuring The Four Seasons Hotel, The Sherry-Netherland and The Surrey. Read it here. 

Ode to Retail Therapy

As I wait in a tense state of high anxiety for the final surgical pathology (update: it came in with no surprises, yay) on my breast cancer I yearn for the good old days of retail therapy. OMG, what I'd give to have a pocketful of loose change that didn't belong to one collection agency or another. I would so lose myself in any number of therapeutic facilities, aka stores. When a doctor tells me there's a 90% chance there will be no surprises in the pathology, all I hear is that there is a 10% chance of surprises. In my head, the 10% outsizes the 90%. Oy vey. 

For those of you who have experienced the benefits of retail therapy, you know of what I write. It soothes the manic state while having the added benefit of helping the economy--though my motivation is not necessarily all that benevolent. No, in truth, retail therapy is all about SELF-help. Alas, I will have to try a good walk instead.

LATER: Took the walk. During the walk I thought about the above post and realized that even if I had the scratch I would likely not spend it on clothing. That was then. Not now. Clothing has become what keeps me warm in cold weather and cool in warm weather, and good if comfortable and matches (but not too much) and doesn't have holes, though certain holes can be well-earned and honorable. Otherwise ... my closet has plenty. Retail therapy today would be a new camera. I can lose myself in taking photos. That would be a treat. Maybe an iPad, because the new iPad takes pics and, I believe, videos, too. I could lose myself with an iPad, too. 

Maybe The Problem Is Georgetown Park Mall Itself

 "THE SHOPS" AT GEORGETOWN PARK IS A JOKE NAME. IT SHOULD BE "NO SHOPS" AT GEORGETOWN PARK

First of all, kudos to The Georgetown Current for breaking the story that the owners of Georgetown Park mall reportedly are wooing Target, one of the nation's biggest big box emporiums, and may be close to signing deals with them and Bloomingdales. The good journalism behind it is about the only part of the story I find appealing. Nothing against Target, but it does not belong in Georgetown. And Bloomingdales? Don't be fooled. This will not be the useful department store Bloomies, but a so-called "Soho concept," which is essentially useless except for trend fashion. It is all style and no substance. 

A Target in Georgetown will do to the small business owner what the mall itself committed in the first place -- retail homicide. It will finish off many of the sole proprietor stores and cut deeply into the well-being of several of the chains, particularly CVS and Safeway. Georgetown is not the 14th Street corridor, where a bounty of big box stores revitalized a neighborhood that was essentially bereft and without definition, dating back to the riots of 1968. Georgetown--up until the last 15 years--was all about definition, as in quaint, charming, unique, interesting, special. Developers have been trying to kill that aspect of the commercial area since the mid-80s,when the mall opened with the force of a small business wrecking ball. Georgetown let the mall happen.

It started off well enough, with legit stores and an actual genuine high end department store, Garfinckels. But that moment didn't last and it has been a downward slide ever since. Which is why I wonder if the problem isn't the mall itself. Before the community compounds the problem by bringing in a Target (to be followed, I'm sure, by similar stores), maybe the overseers should stop the cycle of destruction. Maybe the mall itself should go. 

Think about it. Malls in general are a last century folly. Humans are tired of them. Many malls are depressing, crime-ridden, aggressively unattractive, anti-neighborhood.  I go to Tysons (as rarely as possible) and see the mall fatigue in the faces of the shoppers, who wander in laps back and forth, eyes glazed, because either they've spent too much money or are reminded they no longer have money to spend. The stores are the same the same the same the same wherever you go. It is brute force monotony. The fact that Vornado's big plan is Target and Bloomingdales underscores that the company is bankrupt in the department of original ideas. They think in the past, not the future.  

What if Georgetown Park got taken down? Would that be so awful? I don't think so. As I said, it would stop the cycle of failure and destruction. In its place could go new stores and apartments, based on a more modern concept, in keeping with the general architectural integrity of Georgetown. I know that integrity is slipping away, but there's still time for rescue. It was a handsome block before the mall. It could be a handsome block again. Perhaps with a central plaza, open to the sky and the air, with stores, cafes and dwellings, a Georgetown public square. Imagine? 

I know mine is likely a minority view. The typical way to solve problems is to add more problems. It is the way the nation deals with debt. It reminds me of what a sailor friend said about knots. Boaters who don't know how to tie them tend to tie lots of them. That, in a sentence, defines the current ownership of Georgetown Park.

Home At Last (After A Long Day)

...and feelin' alright. On a low dose of meds and not in pain. And hungry. My dear neighbor Elizabeth Powell sent over dinner of roast pork tenderloin with rosemary, roasted potatoes, salad with champagne dressing and chocolate mousse with raspberries...plus a book and a movie. Oh, and a bottle of Merlot, too, but that was really for Sally Hosta, who had been with me at the hospital since 5 a.m., and who was joined mid-morning by Jean Perin. I've known Sally and Jeannie since the 1980s, when we were all neighbors out in the rolling hills around Upperville, Va. 

By late evening I found myself tired but not sleepy, like little children who stay up for too many hours and become wired. After my son came by to check on me, I went to sleep ... 18 hours after starting the day. 

All Done!

 

In the recovery room and in no pain, obviously. The Washington Hospital Center used a new type of anesthesia on me--one that's available in only a few hospitals nationwide--that targeted the area of surgery and lessened the overall dose to the rest of the body. They are finding this particular anesthesia plays a role in reducing the recurrence of cancer. Wow. Also, it is easier to come out of. One day down the road it will be standard in all hospitals. A friend who is an anesthesiologist in San Francisco, who phoned last night to check on me, said his hospital does not have it yet but he's hoping soon. 

Washington Hospital Center 6:21AM

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

This is at the Washington Hospital Center after some pre-op stuff but before injection of the wonder potion that prompted me to say "I love you" to almost anyone who came near and to compare the OR to a spa and the operating table to a massage table. Next thing I knew I was in the recovery room.

Washington Hospital Center 5:45 AM

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

New York Social Diary Today: A New York Getaway

http://www.newyorksocialdiary.com/node/1905615

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

CORK!

A NOT VERY GOOD BLACKBERRY PHOTO OF CORK. THEY DESERVE BETTER.

Dinner tonight at someplace new for me, Cork. Its on 14th Street in the Logan Circle area, a wine bar with small plates and big atmosphere. I went with my dear friend Harry Shearer, who's in town promoting his terrific documentary, "The Big Uneasy," about the floods that hit New Orleans after Katrina. It screened tonight at a film festival at The Gala, and will screen again Tuesday evening at the AFI Silver Theater in Silver Spring--7 p.m. with a Q&A after--as part of a special "Whisteblower Film Series."

Also, Harry is the feature attraction at a National Press Club luncheon on Monday. 

We chose Cork because of its location but also its reputation, which is well deserved. Owner Khalid Pitts welcomed us warmly, as did his wife and baby. Its a family affair. Turns out Khalid is a fan of Harry's radio show, Le Show, from KCRW in Santa Monica. I download it off itunes every Sunday night.

But back to Cork. I especially liked the salad of watercress, walnuts and paper thin slices of apple, the Turbot, the Duck Confit, the Roasted Chicken and the wine list with so many good choices by the glass. I'm so sorry I didn't have my real camera. I must return and get some respectable shots. The Blackberry just doesn't get it done in low light. Its a cozy room, and every table outside was filled, too. 

Back to Reality -- THUD!

A GOOD DAWN

View from the 41st floor, at dawn, March 9, New York City...before hitting the open road back to DC and appointments with multiple medical professionals in advance of Monday cancer surgery.

MESSAGES

For every message there are another several saying something similar, and each one matters so much:

 

I am so sorry for your diagnosis.  I am a breast cancer buddy as well.  At 34, with a one and a half year old, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It was a total shock.  I was too young! Lumpectomy.  At the same time, my mother was dying of lung cancer.  With my wig in place, I buried my mother in November 1997. After four rounds of chemo and six weeks of radiation, in January of 1998, my former husband had a terrible headache.  That turned out out to be 2 aneurysms and subsequent discovery of an AVM. It was a dream, but it was also real.  I have since divorced, lost my job as an art dealer for 20 years and had to redefine myself.  Everyone has a story, sad or otherwise.  I  believe that experiences give one depth of character.  I would like to share with you my experiences so that people can see that even though you walk through the shadow of death, that life can march on.  I have started my own business, Anna Banana Arts and Crafts and have risen like a phoenix. You are not alone, as I'm sure you're finding out.  You are part of a fellowship. Stay strong. I want to help.  

 

I just read your blog. I am both saddened and shocked at the news. I will keep you in my prayers. Your situation hits home. This past year my girlfriend of ten years had breast cancer return after a two year hiatus only to have her right breast removed. She found out in May when she went to have her yearly mamagram. She had to get  chemo treatments as well as a "port" installed because they have a hard time finding her veins. She had treatments biweekly. She lost the hair, bought a few wigs etc,etc. Just last week she had a pet scan (one of several) that showed the tissue/growth has shrunk to the point that she can stop treatment and get 10 small hits of radiation that should finish the job. I will feel better when it is all over. It has been rough. I had feelings of anger,shock,sadness and dispair and actually lost it when we got the news. Then I made a decison. I told my girlfriend that we can either stay upset or have a positive outlook no matter how tough it got. We chose the positive route which made a world of difference. Carol you really don't know me. I stumbled on your website 3/4 years ago and read you story and have followed along ever since. However following along the rocky road I feel that I know you enough to share the above information with you.  I am sure you have a host of people to lean on however if you need to talk to someone let me know and my girlfriend will be more than happy to talk to you. I wish you well and wish there was more I could do.

~

Carol, I read you every day. I had a big time scare myself a couple of years ago. (Prostate) Just know… I will be offering daily prayer … for you! I care about you …

~

I am so sorry.  These words are overwhelming when heard.  I heard them in 1999 a month after my husband died.  After going through all the prescribed procedures (of the time) . . . am still here.  I firmly believe life works best with an enduring, fiesty spirit and feel that you have this.  Thinking of you and will help in whatever way.  Be strong.

~

I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis.  I have a sister who at age 33 she is now 63 who had a benign tumor on the fifth nerve in the back of her brain which had to be removed.  She survived. She also then got the bad news about breast cancer and had a mastectomy.  Then again she got the bad news and had to have her second mastectomy.  The bottom line, she is still alive. Yes it sucks" however it has been detected early.  With all the people you know and all the support you will receive from friends, plus your tenacity to live, you will come through this.   My thoughts and prayers are with you, Spencer and your family.

~

I, too, was diagnosed off a routine mammogram with no visible or palpable lump during my monthly self-exams.  Also, no history of breast cancer in my family.  I'm the first.  had the biopsy to confirm DCIS and then found the surgeon to do the lumpectomy with the hope that they could get all the cancerous cells and then i'd do radiation for 6 weeks.  Three lumpectomies later, still no clear margins.  At that point over half my breast tissue was gone so i had to have a mastectomy.  No choice.  After hearing the recurrence rate, knowing i'd have to be on tamoxifin for 5 years which i really didn't want to do, and knowing i'd have to have some sort of surgery on my healthy breast to make it look more like the new "perky" breast, i opted for the double mastectomy.  Boy was i glad i did as when they looked at the tissue of my supposed healthy breast under the microscope, they found DCIS there too.  It just hadn't shown up on the mammogram yet. 

 

Anyway, that's the short version ... I am three years since my mastectomy and LOVE my young, perky, bra-less boobs!!!  You may not even have to make the mastectomy decision as it is likely to be treated by the surgery and radiation, but for me the recurrence rate, the drugs, and the stress of wondering if every ache and pain is the cancer coming back was too much to handle.  i just wanted them OFF!!!!!!!!

 ~

 I’d like to say something in light of your February 18^th blog.  In the sixteen years that I worked for Pacino I could count the number of people I wanted to remember on one hand.  You were certainly one of them.  You were genuine, kind, direct. You got things done. Your importance in this world is obvious but at times like these you must feel like a moving target.  It’s another speed bump on the road.  I’m pulling for you and will think about you every day.  You will get past this and be back up-to-speed in no time.  Of this I am sure.

~

 I want to call you to talk about your diagnosis. I also had DCIS and have the names of several surgeons that I consulted with.  I had great results and no reoccurrence.  I got it in 1999.   Send your cell phone number. 

~

I just read your most recent entry dated 2/28.  We've met a few times and I am a regular at the Q&A cafe.I am a neighbor and live a few blocks east.I was diagnosed with DCIS in 2003 at age 45. I subsequently had a single mastectomy and reconstruction of my right breast.I know you're scared.  I felt like I had been hit by a truck and I was pretty damned scared, too.  My children were barely 8 and 9 years old.  My contact information is below. 

~

Spencer, as you said, needs support. My son, also an only child, went through a couple years of my husband's cancer and chemo. They survive!! You are very much in my thoughts ...

~

As someone who annually dreads my visit to Washington Radiology and who has been called back for “another view” and a sonogram, my heart was in my throat while reading about your experience.  I would have done the same thing you did—driving to Sterling, Hyattsville or Timbuktoo in order to see someone without delay for further testing. A colleague of mine was diagnosed many years ago with the same type of diagnosis you’ve received and she’s doing just fine today with no recurrence. 

~

first of all, holy shit. but thank goodness they caught it
early and it appears to be contained. as the wife of a (new) cancer
survivor and fellow mother of an only beloved son, i have nothing buy
empathy for you and best of wishes for a terrific outcome to a really
shitty situation. sounds like you are well on your way to being fine!

 ~

I was sorry to learn that you are having to deal with the frightening burden of a breast cancer diagnosis. I don’t know if you’ve ever read Dr. Kushner’s helpful little book, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” but that certainly came to mind as I read your news.

However, given all the positive vibrations you have been receiving from your fans (both seen and unknown) plus the excellent medical resources we are fortunate to have around Washington, the odds seem to be very good that you will be able to resume a high quality of life . . . and that “la belle poitrine” will still be one of your fine features. All good wishes to you for minimum downtime and a very positive, sustained recovery.

~

Sorry to hear that you are about to join the sisterhood of breast cancer patients.  Best of luck with the surgery -- think positive thoughts.  I am a happy and grateful 15 year survivor.

~

You have never met me... my wife sent me the link to your blog and to your post on your diagnosis of breast cancer.  It moved both of us to tears.  (She) was diagnosed with breast cancer in the fall of 2006.  Our experience was very similar to yours.  For us the cancer and resulting surgery hit when we were selling our house to move to a condo in the West End, where we now live. While the cloud never disappears, it does move.  At first it is a thick fog at ground level that obscures most of life.  Then it is a dark presence right overhead, but the rest of life is pretty much in focus.  Now, after 4 years of clean checkups, the cloud is back somewhere over our shoulders, still there, but right now at a respectful distance.  Before each exam we get a little anxious waiting to be told that the cloud will remain at that respectful distance.  The intensity and length of the anxiety decreases over time. At least to date, our experience is about as good as it gets.  We both hope that you have the same experience.  

~

Good luck Carol!  I love your sense of spirit and humor.  It keeps me going on my second episode with Shingles- they make you feel like you're frying in a spinning skillet.

~

 don’t know a lot about breast cancer – but only know from my own experience of unexpected news when our second child was born with down syndrome – whatever the unexpected message that comes can be devastating and scary – but through time, education and the support of family and friends you will be stronger and wiser. In my case – I took it as a message that this is something that I’m supposed to advocate for.

~

Thank you, Carol. My son, George, who is 6, is a 3rd generation only child. He needs his Grandie just as Spencer needs you. I think her surgery will be on Wednesday. I wish you well, too. I feel like if you can succeed, we can succeed so I'm pulling for you more than you can know. 

~

Sorry to hear that you're part of the 'Big C group' of which i am also a member.  ...my brother is a Neuro-radiologist, one of the best.  You can email or snail mail your x-rays/scans to him for a second opinion.  Let me know if you want to do that and i'll give you his info. My friend was diagnosed at 25 with aggressive stage 2 breast cancer. She is 10 yrs cancer free now. My best advice is rely on your girlfriends for emotional support, take up meditation and look into local organic vegetables. Cut down meat consumption & alcohol, except red wine.  When i was diagnosed, i opted out of chemo/radiation and instead went vegetarian, with a balanced alkaline/acid diet.  i'm 4 yrs cancer free.  

~

I'm so sorry, but it is called "getting older",like it or not. Guys have it too except they call it prostate cancer and I've been there, done that and after three years out and feeling pretty much a has-been. I have graduated to every 6 months testing and  so far so good, and I keep telling myself that those really young guys with no legs and/or arms at Walter Reed would give anything to be "whole" like I am.

~

While I had a similar experience, a few years ago, I was fortunate that it was not cancer. An irregularity, discovered as yours was, proceeded in similar fashion w/additional pictures and exploratory procedures. I was fortunate that it ended there, but I remember that overwhelming feeling of aloneness, worry, and also that resolve to be tough. I figured if I could get thru an unfaithful husband, a protracted divorce, raising 2 young children, etc., well, I thought I could bull through cancer if thats what it came down to. Fortunately, it did not. I relate to your fighting spirit and the words that you wrote. Stay tough, smart and funny! 

~

Breast cancer is not epidemic, but pandemic. You have prompted me to force myself to make my own appointment for a mammogram (it's been just over two years since the last) and there is breast and ovarian cancer in my family. 

~

As I told you in previous emails, my brother-in-law left my sister in a financial state similar to yours.  Thus, I can relate a lot to that circumstance.  Now, Breast Cancer which I can really relate to as I am a survivor.  Luckily, it sounds as though you got a jump start on catching it.  The ups and downs or drowning waves do come like hot flashes when you least expect them.  It's a process and I am convinced that each process is unique.  I'm still trying to figure out where that year went as I don't seem  to remember much of it..

~

You are so lucky to have your LA pen pal!  I'm glad you laughed when you read his bit about "mistaken identity" from up above.  It was extremely witty, but I was weeping.  I cried because his immense kindness in telling you that you and your son deserve better than this touched me so deeply.  Thanks for sharing what he wrote.  I loved every bit of it.

~

the word "protected" should always be modified by "seemingly." Trust yourself. Your west coast pen pal stuck just the right note. Much of it is random.  But not all of it. Complicated and crooked. Been there.

Sinking Spells and Pen Pals

 BLUE SKIES, SHINING ABOVE--THE SKY OVER DC, MARCH 2011

Anyone who has been diagnosed with cancer will instantly get it when I mention "sinking spells," the rogue waves of emotional turmoil that, very much like a torrent of grief, come out of nowhere, and suddenly, with a fierce power that can knock you over. I will say this up front: my attitude has been generally good since learning I have a small, early stage, contained DCIS breast cancer, and it should be. In the context of the bad news there is a lot to be positive about. Still. No matter how positive, no matter how tough, no matter how resolved or bolstered, we're all susceptible to sinking spells. If we didn't have them we'd all qualify for The Charlie Sheen Master Class In Denial. 

Mine have been random, often hitting while I'm doing ordinary things, and even in the midst of laughter. But they own the darks hours, barging into my peace, as in the wee hours of today, approximately 3:30 a.m. I fought it for a while -- IT winning -- and then grabbed my laptop and wrote to a pen pal on the West Coast who I've not met. Long ago, when I still had Nathans and wrote regular blog posts about that experience, he sent a message that was, in effect: You don't know me, but I regularly read 'Swimming In Quicksand.' No matter how bad my day is I read about yours and know somebody out there has it worse. I loved it. He got the joke. A soul brother. Over time I learned he is an L.A. based screenwriter but with significant DC political cred. Enough said. Not going to blow his cover. Our correspondence is helpful to my mental health. He pulls me out of a lot of muddy ditches. 

This is what I sent to him about 4am. I know its a pity party, but that's the oxygen of a sinking spell: 

"sinking spells,  i hate them. especially in the wee hours when its so damned dark and i'm alone in thoughts that bang with the jarring volume of an mri. i recover with dawn. my happy time is in daylight. at night i have cancer. in the day i am fighting cancer. its a new reality. stunningly so. i feel myself changing by the minute. did i do it to myself? was it was the stress of the last 12 years? is it the current stress of being unemployed, no insurance. i don't imagine there's a big job market for women fighting breast cancer.

i communicated with a doctor friend who said that in the anals of cancer, breast cancer, mine is a blip, practically starter cancer, entry level. he made me laugh. but still, after the snappy chatter he resumed life at home with his family and i am home with cancer, in bed with cancer, sleeping alone with cancer, with visions of surgery and radiation and  tamoxifen in my head. i haven't got the ballast on all that, yet. 

this is not my best moment. i go way way way down. there's no one to roll over to and say , "help." out on the street, though, a neighbor i barely know stopped me and said, "i read you every day. we can't be without you. just get well." i yearned to hug him but kept a polite distance. i have this extreme irrational want: not so much to marry but to be adopted. to hand over control. calm. to opt out of doing it all, out of this "groundhog day" scenario where i'm always up against the fire with my face in it.

howard may have been complicated and crooked, but he (seemingly) protected me from everything. i was serene, supple, healthy, at peace, loose, calm, spared the sharp edges. now its all sharp edges.

new blog: My Life As a Lightening Rod....because soon people won't stand close, or they will cross to the other side of the street, afraid i'll draw fire. i am the poster girl for lightning striking way more than twice. oh well, when you're staring at the ceiling at 4:30 am, you're up.  please hurry, sun! 

I'm not going to share his upbeat reply at 6 a.m. (wee hours in LA, for sure, which is why we're pen pals), except to say he closed wishing me the "reassuring warmth of ten thousand dawns," but I will share what he sent Wednesday after he learned of my diagnosis: 

TO: Miss/Ms/ Mrs:    CAROL ROSS JOYNT

Georgetown
     
Washington, D.C.
     
The Spinning Blue Planet.



Dear Miss/Ms/Mrs:   JOYNT

                       

We just discovered a clerical error in our usually reliable 
Karma Department. It appears our "infallible" staff made the regrettable 
mistake some time in 1997 (your local time) when your name was confused 
with a:   Miss/Ms/Mrs: . CAROL REESE JOYNER of:  PERTH AMBOY, 
NEW JERSEY, an absolute evil dog bitch of a soul-killing human being 
who deserved everything SHE had coming.  Unfortunately, due to our 
clerical error,  SHE did not get what she had coming.

You DID! 
                       
                        

Our humble apologies from all of us up here, be assured,
the the error has been caught and your well-earned GOOD karma has been 
fully restored.  and, be assured,  
Miss/Ms/Mrs:  C. JOYNT  of: GEORGETOWN, SPINNING BLUE PLANET, good things are coming your way. We owe you AND your boy.
  
                        

See you in forty-three and a fifth years -- whoops, I'm not 
supposed to reveal that..
Sorry for all the inconvenience,
I remain, your Obedient Guardian,
Walter
Head Office
The Perfect Place*


*Well, the mostly "perfect Place".



PS. G is very impressed with the volume of prayers zapping up here in your name. 
Most from so-called secular humanists, many from usually "Godless" rumpled 
"writer types" and some from people you have never met. You really are special: 
Miss/Ms/Mrs:  CAROL ROSS JOYNT of: GEORGETOWN SPINNING BLUE PLANET. 
And for the record, even God himself sips bourbon in trying times...Boy, he is really 
hitting the old Maker's Mark this week.



PPS. Poor old: Miss/Ms/Mrs: CAROL REESE JOYNER of : PERTH AMBOY 
NEW JERSEY is about to get "what's coming to her". But, fuck her, SHE deserves it!

This made me smile and laugh...a lot.

Thank You

Since posting yesterday about my breast cancer diagnosis there has been a warm and embracing flow of affection, support, personal stories and valuable information. Thank you.

Yesterday afternoon I met with Dr. Marc Boisvert, the Medical Director of the Washington Hospital Center's Center for Breast Health. He and his team have studied the pathology, the mammograms, and the MRI. My cancer, DCIS, is small and contained and, thanks to a routine mammogram, was caught early. I am fortunate to have options that range from lumpectomy to mastectomy.

At first I was hell bent on a double mastectomy, but at this moment lean toward lumpectomy. Rather than be guided by my fear I've decided to be guided by my opportunity. I'm lucky. Hopefully nothing more will develop down the road, but if it does I would still have options. Surgery is scheduled for March 14. It is an outpatient procedure. I don't like the idea of surgery, or radiation, but so be it. Radiation cuts the risk of recurrence to about 15%. I could still change my mind and go for the double mastectomy, which would cut the chance of recurrence down to 5%. I have a little time to decide. 

From the many many messages I've received (from all over the country) what stands out is that so many women, and men, have cancer stories to tell. The sharing of them makes it less frightening all around and raises the level of understanding. The more we know, the more we know. I was told this is a sisterhood, but its a brotherhood, too. A family of patients, a fraternity of professionals, and all the people who love us, take care of us, and wish us well.

I've been blessed to have a good friend, Sally Hosta, go with me to every test and medical meeting. Its important not to be alone, and for all kinds of reasons, but especially that second pair of ears. 

Its been interesting to learn this type of cancer is on the rise in women. It occurs most often in the left breast, though the doctors don't know why. Mine is in the right breast. The cause is unclear. I have no apparent family history of breast cancer.  In addition to family medical history, two questions the various doctors asked up front was whether I am of Ashkenazi Jewish heritage and whether I drink soy. No on both counts, but apparently there is some connection to DCIS.

According to the American Cancer Society, 60,000 new cases of DCIS are diagnosed in the United States each year. Again, mine is practically microscopic and was caught by a routine mammogram.